Things women will consider doing to lose weight

  • Give away their firstborn.
  • Sell their immortal soul to the devil at a discounted price.
  • Submit to unimaginable torture, usually provided by spas and plastic surgery clinics.
  • Practice self-flagellation, also known as weight-lifting, treadmill walking or running, or any other semi-stationary exercises that will bore one’s mind into stupidity; all executed within the confines of closed rooms crowded with sweaty people.
  • Ingest poisonous substances that will render them automatons, wondering around with dry throats, goggle eyes and murderous temper.
  • Face near – and flavourless – starvation: disgusting cabbage soups, as well as sufficient greenery to cover a patch of the Empty Quarter, included.
  • Abdicate of such wonders as freshly baked bread with luxuriant butter; pasta; chocolate, and even fruits, mercilessly generalized by diet doctors as carbohydrates. Actually, after looking at a complete list of carbohydrates, you find out you are only left with meat and water... Let’s discuss possible variations on both one of these days, starting with ice cubes...
  • Vomiting!!!! I won’t elaborate on this one. It repulses me to a degree I would consider – if ever very drunk, or having been poisoned (one never knows) – to sleep standing, or having the contents of my stomach drained by a pump, rather than resorting to it.

Things I have considered in order to lose weight:

Practically all of the above. However, I would probably choose a life as the fat lady in the carnival before relinquishing even a locket of my little girl’s hair. Also, I have a different business proposition to Lucifer, if he ever agrees to a meeting: it may have something to do with looking like Megan Fox, singing like Madonna, writing like Nick Hornby, having the financial genius of George Soros, all combined in an eternal living being...

So, what I’m doing right now, is taking this obviously miraculous Lebanese herbal compound. I know it sounds fishy, but the lab is a serious one, and the box comes with a holographic authenticity stamp to show they mean business! So far, it’s working beautifully. And I’m yet to feel murderous.
So, as the bard would say: all is well that ends well.


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