I’ve been feeling thirsty all the time. It remains to be seen if it has something to do with the 42 degrees weather or the magic herbs…


Another upside of taking metabolic acceleration pills: left the office tired, distraught and very annoyed. Decided to annihilate some ice cream on my way home. As never hungry, forgot about it on my way to the car. Two hours later, I am still to eat something.


Stress is known to get me fat even in the absence of food. (I know!! It’s very unfair.) Closing the quarter this week should have porked me up beyond recognition and, yet, I’m only a little bloated from fatigue, and my pair of jeans is threatening to fall on its own volition. The Lebanese magic herbs rock!


The biggest problem of not feeling hungry is eating. You can’t quit the damn thing! (It’s actually very simple: you stop eating and your reptilian brain thinks you are facing catastrophe – giant asteroids, exploding volcanoes, evil aliens and the likes – and food is now scarce. The result is simple: the metabolic rate reaches rock bottom and your body starts turning even air into fat.)

Hence, you have to start thinking about healthy food options to consume and, after figuring out you only have mean carbohydrates in your kitchen, you are left only with – I’m sure you’ve guessed by now – meat and water. Only you don’t want meat, and you’ve already had 56 glasses of water.

So you start considering a trip to the closest organic market in order to purchase such tasteful delicacies as gluten free, yeast free, whole wheat bread, or wholemeal buckwheat noodles. But – oh no! – they are also carbohydrates.

Finally, you resign yourself and grab an apple. The fourth in a day.

Things women will consider doing to lose weight

  • Give away their firstborn.
  • Sell their immortal soul to the devil at a discounted price.
  • Submit to unimaginable torture, usually provided by spas and plastic surgery clinics.
  • Practice self-flagellation, also known as weight-lifting, treadmill walking or running, or any other semi-stationary exercises that will bore one’s mind into stupidity; all executed within the confines of closed rooms crowded with sweaty people.
  • Ingest poisonous substances that will render them automatons, wondering around with dry throats, goggle eyes and murderous temper.
  • Face near – and flavourless – starvation: disgusting cabbage soups, as well as sufficient greenery to cover a patch of the Empty Quarter, included.
  • Abdicate of such wonders as freshly baked bread with luxuriant butter; pasta; chocolate, and even fruits, mercilessly generalized by diet doctors as carbohydrates. Actually, after looking at a complete list of carbohydrates, you find out you are only left with meat and water... Let’s discuss possible variations on both one of these days, starting with ice cubes...
  • Vomiting!!!! I won’t elaborate on this one. It repulses me to a degree I would consider – if ever very drunk, or having been poisoned (one never knows) – to sleep standing, or having the contents of my stomach drained by a pump, rather than resorting to it.

Things I have considered in order to lose weight:

Practically all of the above. However, I would probably choose a life as the fat lady in the carnival before relinquishing even a locket of my little girl’s hair. Also, I have a different business proposition to Lucifer, if he ever agrees to a meeting: it may have something to do with looking like Megan Fox, singing like Madonna, writing like Nick Hornby, having the financial genius of George Soros, all combined in an eternal living being...

So, what I’m doing right now, is taking this obviously miraculous Lebanese herbal compound. I know it sounds fishy, but the lab is a serious one, and the box comes with a holographic authenticity stamp to show they mean business! So far, it’s working beautifully. And I’m yet to feel murderous.
So, as the bard would say: all is well that ends well.

Once and Again

This time it has started with my latest picture in the press: a photo of me and the business unit country manager during our biggest event in Israel in the beginning of July. He looks great. I look like a bull frog on a bad day. Luckily, I was not having a bad hair day too, or that would have been cause to start considering suicide.
But what has really pushed me over the edge was running into one of my old pictures from 2005: the last time I was anywhere close to my appropriate weight, looking more like a nymph than my actual pre-history fertility goddess look.

I then decided – yes, again, I know – that it was time to get thinner. But this time I mean it – yes, again, I know. My extra fat has its days counted: it will suffer the wrath of my chubby self on a temper.

However, those who really know me also know I’m not very disciplined when it comes to exercising. It bores me half to death, even though I try to stick to it as much as I possibly can.
Furthermore, I don’t eat much (long story for the next posts), hence there isn’t much I can do in terms of cutting on the calories.
I’m really left with my metabolism, which is as fast as a limping snail on a bumpy trail. Seriously, a Chinese acupuncturist, after a thorough examination, told me I was a walking wonder, since I shouldn’t be alive with an absent metabolism.

So, this is really a quest after my lost metabolism, and my attempt to make it catch up with the fast and crazy pace of my life. May the best podgy girl win!